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You Have Died of Dysentery

Factual Gaming News

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Latest Article
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Grapes of Wrath RPG Over 700 Hours Long

Posted 26 August 2010 | View Comments

Tulsa, Oklahoma – A new RPG released by Bioware this week is the longest RPG ever created, clocking in at over 700 hours of game play. Anticipated by critics for months, the game itself will take players months to complete a single play-through. “We really wanted the player to experience life as an itinerant Dustbowl-era [...]

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Gears of War Writer Publishes First Standalone Novel

Douchebag-Book-Signing

Los Angeles, California – Steve Patterson, Author of the hit Xbox game series Gears of War has published his first standalone novel not related to the Gears of War series. “It’s gonna be fuckin’ awesome, man! Like, shit’s gonna be blowing up everywhere, fuckin’ blood and guts flyin’ all over the place, fuckin,” Patterson said, [...]

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Blizzard to Associate Players Real Names With World of Warcraft Forum Accounts, Perpetuate Largest Cock Block in Human History

frustrated-gamer

In a surprising move earlier this week, Activision-Blizzard announced that they would be displaying all forum poster’s first and last names using the RealID system following the release of the latest WoW expansion, Cataclysm. “We think that this will dramatically cut down on the amount of abuse and flaming currently present on the forums.” said [...]

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Final Fantasy XIII is Released, Sucks

13_by_engelszorn

Tokyo, Japan – Gamers were stunned today when they discovered that Square-Enix’ latest installment of the Final Fantasy series sucked huge, unforgiving donkey balls. “I mean – holy shit,” said Tyler Flotes, graphic designer and gamer from Austin, Texas, “That thing really, really fucking sucked. Like, no joke man, that thing sucks Goddamn dinosaur eggs.” [...]

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South Korea Starves to Death Following Month Long Starcraft Session

korea_crying

Seoul, South Korea – Investigators were stunned Tuesday when they discovered the bodies of over 50 million Koreans across the country. “As far as we can tell,” said NATO Commander Fritz Eichelberger, “Sometime earlier this month, Korea got involved in a PvP match with some scrub ‘rines who did nothing but turtle their Siege Cannons [...]

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Latest Battlefield: Bad Company 2 Patch Affects Unrelated Software

bad-company-2

Stockholm, Sweden – Swedish developer DICE issued an apology today to owners of their hit first person shooter, Battlefield: Bad Company 2. “To those of you affected by the bugs in the latest patch, I want to apologize on behalf of everyone at DICE,” said lead developer Barry Tingle, “We had absolutely no idea it [...]

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Duke Nukem Forever Released After Decades-Long Delay

Duke-Nukem-Forever

Los Angeles Futuredome, People’s Republic of Kentucky – The hotly anticipated shooter Duke Nukem Forever was released today after the longest delay in gaming history. The game itself had to undergo at least a dozen major revisions and almost never saw the light of day. Graphically, the game has seen six decades worth of development, [...]

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Microsoft Announces Pre-Natal

Pre-Natal

Los Angeles, CA – Microsoft announced its new product for unborn babies at the E3 Convention this week, heralding it as the first product targeted at the yet-to-be-alive. “We’re really pleased with the way the Pre-Natal has come together and we think your unborn child is really going to appreciate the precise motion controls and [...]

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Commander Keen Arrested On Suspicion of Drunk Driving

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Vorticon VI, – Commander Billy “Keen” Blaze was arrested last night for suspicion of operating his Bean-With-Bacon Megarocket under the influence and possession of a concealed ray gun. Commander Keen’s attorney, Gerald Moskowitz issued this statement: “First, Commander Keen asks that you respect his privacy the privacy of his family during this difficult time. While [...]

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Carmen Sandiego Captured in San Diego

Carmen-Sandiego

San Diego, California – International super-criminal Carmen Sandiego was discovered in her namesake city in Southern California this week in the culmination of a decades-long manhunt. “Well it’s about damn time,” said a clearly exhausted San Diego as she was being led away by the US Marshall’s Service, “it’s right there in my name for [...]

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In Short
  • World of Warcraft's RealID Change WORST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ANYONE IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
  • Local Gamer's Neckbeard Approaches Critical Mass
  • Minsc and Boo Obtain Restraining Order
  • BREAKING: All Points Bulletin (APB) Goes Gold, Disks Printed
  • Stephen Strasburg to Appear on the Cover of MLB 2018: The Show
  • Virtual Boy Has Virtual Bar Mitzvah, Becomes Virtual Man
  • New Study Shows Videogames Damage The Bran
  • PC Gamers Unanimously Votes to Have Blizzard Design All Future PC Games
  • Scorpion Doesn’t Want You Over Here
  • OMG YOU GUYS MARIO GALAXY 2 REVIEWED
New Releases
Real World of Warcraft

Real-World-of-Warcraft

Battlefield: Worst Company 2

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Snoop Flying Ace

Snoop-Flying-Ace

Turkoglu Fu

TurkogluFu

Ratchet and Clank and Turner and Hooch

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Assassins Creed

Assassins-Creed

Alan Wake and Bake

Alan-Wake-and-Bake

Metal of Honor: Radium

Metal-of-Honor

Mario Tea Party 10

Mario-Tea-Party

NBA 2K11

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